Manual Scan #ToTheAltar
Throughout today’s service, all I did was scan the single guys around me.
Not that I didn’t participate in the service. I went through the motions routinely, but my head was running a scan and simulating a future with me and each of the fine boys in my church.
Not to be carnal or about the looks, but no ugly or plain guy featured in my scan.
I’m not saying my husband has to be RMD or Idris Elba category, but when other ladies look at him, they should be able to think, “I get what she saw in him.”
As I did my “manual scan”, I tried not to be obvious. I don’t want one usher to come and be asking me what I am looking for.
And I know these women in my church. If one of them sees me looking around, rumors will start to spread. Believe me when I say you don’t want to be the victim of their rumor-mongering.
My eyes went through the choir. In their starched and ironed uniform. Looking like candidates for heaven.
If I didn’t have the gist of some of them, I would have been eyeing them right now. If only people knew what these boys do with naive girls after church service.
Next, I did a manual scan of the ushers. We didn’t have a lot of young ushers, but the few we had were fineeeeeee.
Hold on. Is that one of the criteria for picking them? With their ability to stand for hours, I can’t help wondering what else they can do for hours. Maybe praying.
The next people my scanner fell on were the welcome team. This was a recent addition to my church.
Because their job is to receive mostly newcomers, a lot of them were young. They did have a few middle-aged and elderly people to supervise and welcome older guests.
If the boys in the ushering unit were fine, then how do I describe the boys in the welcome team? Fine would be an understatement.
Plus, you need to take a sniff of them. Every week without fail, they smelt good. Should I say they smell of God’s goodness?
Whoever is their perfume dealer must be doing a great job. I heard one of their members sells perfume oil. Maybe they all get their smell from him or her.
Imagine having all these people as your sure customers. That person must be rolling in money.
The person better be a guy and he better be single. Perfume money smells good, and I don’t mind spending it.
I better stop staring at them before one of them thinks I’m into him.
The next people on my manual scan were the protocol team. Look at them in their smart suits. How can your biceps and six-packs be poking your suit?
It is less that they have the biggest muscles around, and more like they bought suits a couple of sizes too small.
Scanning through the audience in my church, there are still a lot of other fine boys around. Wait. I mean really fineeeeeeeeeee.
How come I never noticed them until now? Am I that blind or am I that busy?
And wait. How come none of them ever asked me out? Don’t I pop up on their own scans? Am I not fine enough for them? Or am I not spiritual enough?
Is that I am not their spec? Because I know I am definitely a beautiful girl. I would have said stunning, but I don’t want to push it too far. Maybe just a few points from stunning.
I don’t blame them though. I never really participate in church. Truth be told, I don’t know most of them and they don’t know me too.
The few who even know my name are those who were with me in the children’s church.
Since I got into the youth church, I always left the church as soon as the sermon was over. I only waited with the rest of the youths when asked if my mom forced me to.
Maybe if I was more social, I would be married already. But how can you get a first-class and be social?
Who is to say that one of these boys isn’t doing a manual scan today too? Considering how I’m looking today, there is no way I wouldn’t have been the biggest finding on his radar.
I know many of these girls here are also searching. As long as none of them finds my husband before me, we should all be fine.